Caretaker blues

Most of the time I am up beat and can roll with the punches – but sometimes events conspire to drag me down.,

I was exceptionally upbeat this morning and trotted happily into work, where unfortunately some people were grumpy and bound and determined to pass that grumpiness along. Well, mission accomplished.

However I did manage to bounce myself back in the afternoon a bit and felt pretty good coming home. But then I get home and just the reality of how far my mother has failed slapped me in the face. I am going to call the neurosurgeon’s office again tomorrow. But the reality is that I need to take over almost everything she has been doing. The bills she pays are in a mess. Her medical stuff is a mystery to me and I am really going to have to dive into it. Who knows if she has been paying balances we should have challenged – if they have double billed us for things or not. Who knows?

And the reality is that she is never going to be that much better. I had hoped that we could do a trip this spring maybe to Denmark. But that is going to take work – she needs to build up strength – she needs to get more limber. But with me at work she does nothing but watch TV. Sunday morning I yelled and yelled and managed to get her up and dressed and doing something. I set her up to write her Christmas cards, but then she needed to eat and then eat a little more and take her pills and literally that took and hour and a half. After which she told me that she had to lie down she was so tired. But I didn’t let her – I made her do her exercises in front of me – because I don’t think she does them even when she says she does. And then I made her do her breathing exercise with the incentive spirometer. And that was a joke – she doesn’t even move the marker at all.

I have talked to her and said that she has to TRY and try hard. Not just going through the paces without really making an effort. And she just looks at me kind of blankly. This is not the old lady I know.

All her blood tests etc. have come back negative. There doesn’t look like there is any reason (other than perhaps the pressure in her head) that she should be this way. She is a few days into the anti-depressant and I know it takes a while to kick in – but man I wish it would make a difference.

It is depressing and a daunting task to have to take care of her and know that it will be an uphill battle where I have less and less time to do anything but what is necessary. I mean I feel like I am just spending all my time picking up after her and checking that she has what she needs and then having to yell at her to get her to do anything. I just went in and turned off the TV and took the remote away and told her that she HAD to do those breathing exercises and then I stayed and made sure she did it – so there you are – 20 minutes gone just on that. Oh lord. It makes me want to cry and I still need to try and organize all these bills and medical statements in the file folder I bought this weekend.